To the currently broken girl...

I choose... to live by choice, not by chance; to make changes not excuses; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete. I choose self esteem, not self pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others... I choose me.

  I took this quote to heart so many years ago... so many years ago when I was a broken girl... life falling apart, rock bottom, what am I doing here... where do I fit in... will I ever be happy... that girl... the one I vowed to never be again... that girl who didn't know what she was doing... she just knew she had to do something because she was drowning... losing herself in a world that she didn't understand... everyday feeling bad, feeling sorry, feeling lost and suddenly I woke up... and I chose to be someone else... I chose to be stronger, smarter, better... I chose to be courageous and I grew... everyday... I chose to be better then the day before, to be happier, to help someone, to work through my issues, to work on myself and to be the girl that the broken girl was looking up to and one day I woke up and I was the role model I had aspired to be... and then... life happened. Life happened hard and I reverted back to that poor little girl... broken... in a place where I feel like the victim of a story that I have no control over anymore... and yet... I have ALL THE CONTROL.

  Once upon a time I was the victim of my own story, I didn't know the power I had to change the story... to rewrite it, to make it happy again to find a new path, to find my own way whether it was accepted or not, it was my way and it felt right and I felt amazing and I aspired to be better everyday and every single day I just wanted to touch the life of one person... one person who felt as broken as me, one person that I could make their day better... show them there were other ways to feel and somehow... somehow I forgot... I fought so hard to be the role model I aspired to be, that I forgot when things go left, go right. I forgot when nothing is right... to treat my life like a beautiful snow globe... shake it up and let it settle again... try again... see the beauty in doing it all again and do something with it... in remembering that I have the ability to change my story from this very point... and there is beauty in the fall... there is beauty in the story... there is beauty in the come back and yet... here I am drowning... barely keeping my head above water... when I only ever wanted to be the girl who shared her story... a success story that lead someone else to say...

because of you... I never gave up

  But oh let me tell you a secret... I gave up.

    With everything going wrong, with drowning in a world of sorrow and misery, of feeling like I couldn't... of saying "I can't" I gave myself the excuses to pretend I was the victim of some story and I forgot... I forgot who I was... that I have the control over my life to change what I don't like at any time... I don't need a new year, a new Monday... I simply need a new plan. I don't need anyone to say it's okay... I require no permission to make myself happy... the broken girl is hidden just under the surface of who I am... she keeps me going, she motivates me to be better to help others achieve their goals because I never forget where I am came from... and she's so close to the surface that it doesn't take much of a backslide to bring her out but I refuse to be the victim in my own story any longer, I refuse to be anything less then a success story... I refuse to be anyone other then who I fought to be and I refuse to stay in a place where I am barely keeping my head above water, close to the next break down, being manipulated, used, listening to opinions that I never entertained before... I forgot that I was worth it... every ounce of blood, sweat and tears that got me to the person I had always wanted to be... will never be for nothing... here is to a brand new day one.. because me and the broken girl... we had a talk... stay tuned

 xoxo
Love, the broken girl