One year anniversaries are a time for celebrating... or are they?One year ago my life changed. A routine visit, a biopsy, stitches and a phone call with a six letter word attached and my world was turned upside down, shaken and set down crooked and my life was forever changed. I experienced all the feelings. Shock, disbelief and dread turned into tears, sleepless nights, praying, wishing on stars, anger and trying to find something... anything to cling to that meant that life was really going to be okay again... looking back at it now, from this point in time, it was just a side step in my dance... it was time for me to follow and not lead, it was time for someone else to step in and make decisions for me, hard and fast decisions that I wasn't going to have control over because I learned really fast that I was not in control of every aspect of my life... a very hard blow for a girl who prides herself in being on top of everything and never letting anything get the best of her. Experiencing something new even if it wasn't a happy new thing was foreign to me. I was choosing to do new things, fun and exciting... but I didn't realize that in my quest to conquer a new world I was going to be faced with less then happy new things as well. Procedures, stitches, tears, sleepless nights, anger, anxiety, dread, infections and healing followed.
Healing... another word that should be celebrated... right?So what is healing exactly? Websters tells me that healing is a gift... it is the process of making or becoming healthy and sound again. I've learned this last year that healing is simply a word and by definition the gift of healing does not come easy. Your body might bounce back, the stitches come out, the wound heals, the scar might get less noticeable to the eye with each passing day... but mentally what does being sound and healthy and healed even mean? Websters doesn't define that for me and I can't define that for you either because right now I can tell you that I am not mentally healed. There are some things in life that you go through and it makes you a stronger and better person when it comes to healing though you have to grow through the process... and I am still growing through my experience.
Something happens to you at 29 years old when you feel like someone is stealing the rest of your life away from you... when you feel like they are telling you every hope and dream you ever had is not on the table for you and that you might never be whole again. Luckily for me, there were more options then for some people but to me... it was still such a devastating time in my life that I don't know where to start to heal and spiraling has lead me to this place where I made a choice... I decided to live my life by a motto...
wear the red lipstick
Now what are are you talking about you crazy, broken girl... what red lip stick??There are so many times in life where we aren't brave. We forget to be brave. We desperately want to blend in, not show anyone our flaws, not be noticed or heard... and yet maybe it's time to do the things you don't think you're brave enough to do. Wearing red lipstick, a dress, the shoes, cutting your hair... what are you afraid of? What is holding you back? Is it what you think others might think of you.. what if you woke up and realized that you spend every single day trying to fit in but you are slowly just losing every ounce of the person that you want to become... never actually living life for you and then one day someone tells you the life you always wanted can never happen... how do you process that? How do you heal from that type of a blow? So let's talk about healing.. the first step of healing is allowing yourself to grieve... grieve everything... grieve that life didn't happen how you wanted it to, grieve that people aren't there for you and don't support you the right way, grieve for the person you want to be, grieve for who you are and most importantly grieve for who you aren't. When you are done grieving... when you are done wishing on stars.. when you are done crying.. when you decide to pick yourself back up... and trust me... you are strong, you are brave, you were made on purpose and you are worth getting back up... life is worth living and living is worth fighting for... you can go back to the girl who was afraid or you can say yes.
In my less then perfect advice... Just say yes...Say yes to everything. Yes to new adventures. Yes to all your fears. Yes to things you always said no to. Yes to people you wouldn't normally consider. Yes to red lipstick. Yes to the shorts. Yes to the hair cut. JUST SAY YES! Allowing yourself an adventure, to say yes and to start finding yourself in a new way, in a new light... that is how you heal. Slowly... oh so slowly, my life is turning back around... I'm saying yes, I'm breathing in this world in a new light, in a light that I thought maybe wasn't for me anymore... back to setting goals, planning for a bright future because it isn't something anyone can take from me if I want it bad enough... but it all started with just saying yes.
When it comes to saying yes, not everyone is going to love you... in fact many people will down right hate you and your choices... This is where I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life recently... Jesus was human and he was hated... and yet he still gave his life for those who hated him. If Jesus could give could give the ultimate sacrifice as a human in such a state of being hated and living in a world of loneliness... then what are you afraid of? Someone who doesn't even know if you're okay judging your choices? Do they even have the right to do that? Do they know what you went through? Do they even know you? Have they ever asked you if you needed anything?? If you were okay? Those people who don't understand that you picked an adventure that is leading you down a path of healing... those people condemning your choices or making new adventures hard on you are not the people you should be surrounding yourself with, at least not right now... when you've been through something devastating it's important to fill your world with people who bring you joy and sunshine... people who inspire you, help you down your path, encourage you... those people... hold on to those people that bring you joy... those are your people, your tribe.. and those people will get you through this phase of your life.
Healing is a word... and healing is a gift... a gift I have been blessed to learn and hopefully someday can teach to someone else. I don't take the gift of life lightly these days, I love a little harder, I hug babies a little more, I take the time out to listen, be the friend, the daughter, the aunt that I want to be right here and right now in this time and in this place because I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring for me... but I know the person that I want to become only took a detour and that in time when I heal I will be better then before, with this new experience waiting to help someone else that maybe I didn't know how to bring joy to... or maybe I didn't know how to be sunshine in a dark world. But I'm learning.
Even things that are broken can be patched up... if you're brave enough to grieve and start over in a brand new place.
Today I am sitting in a new place from my grief and my adventures to always saying yes... and taking on the world in a new light and it is a place where I am starting to find myself again. I am finally feeling like the girl that I lost a few years ago... and that poor broken girl who's life changed this day last year. I'm learning I don't have to be someone else. That people aren't always made for you. That some people are simply just a season in your life. That your life itself can run in seasons and that it's okay. It's okay to not know. It's okay to take the time out. It's okay to look at the stars, the clouds... listen to the birds and just breathe in life all around you. You don't have to get the dance perfect right now, you just have to make sure that you're living a life that you love and that makes you happy... I'm currently finding a brand new happy... a brand new place to fit into in this world... I don't know what's going to happen next, but stay tuned... adventure always awaits <3
xoxo
